This letter was in homage to Emma Haynes' wonderful Evesham Facebook page and the interest that has been shown in the old Evesham dialect:

A Short Guide to Asum Etticut

If you should receive a caller at your residence greet them with a heartfelt, "Ay up, ow bist?" (Hello, how are you?).

Guiding them to the parlour, ask of their families health.

"Guttell ent your missis gorra big yud!" (Goodness, your wife has a large cranium doesn't she?) is just not on. It's much more polite to say "Ows your missisis yud you? (How is your wife's cranium?

Also "Is that Babby uv yorn still crapping everywur?" (Is your baby still incontinent?), is better replaced with "As your babby still got gutsayk?" (Does your baby still have tummy trouble?)

Upon reaching the parlour show them to the best seat thus, "Eere set theeself in that chayer an put thee fit up." (Kindly sit here and make yourself comfortable).

Once they are settled you may enquire "Dust wan ere a cuppa tay? (Would you care for a beverage?).

Depending on the time of day you may wish to enquire, "Dust want summut ta yut?" (Would you like something to eat?)

"Thurs sum coller boi the yud, if theedst a moind? (We have brawn if you are so inclined?) Once your guest is settled, comfortable and their needs are looked after you may relax and begin to enjoy your duties as a host.

Polite conversation may follow, but remember that if you should cough it is not polite to spit in the fire.

If you have to spit, spit in your saucer and push it under your chair, from whence you may retrieve it after your guest has gone.

Good hosting, my friends!

Bob New

Broadway